Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
