There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
