he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
my liver is dry heaving
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
