I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
