I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
