i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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