Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
