life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
