He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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