My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
