her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My underwear smells like fireworks.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize