For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
