I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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