Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You need Xanax blowdarts
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
