Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
he just fucked me for my cheese..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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