drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
