Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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