my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
