I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
