Ambien. No doubt about it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
