So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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