just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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