when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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