I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize