ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
