I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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