I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
