Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
should my penis look like a turkey
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
