I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
