Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
