They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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