Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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