I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
