I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
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