i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
