it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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