A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
