My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
