I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
