New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
