They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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