70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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