i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
