how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I AM VODKA MAN
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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