I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
