Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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