It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
