Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
