i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
