when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
sex in a hospital.. check
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
