Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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