Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
