toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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