Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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