It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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