Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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