Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
