Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
